The Canary

There is a canary that I've been watching. You know about canaries, right? You keep one around and send it into the mine shaft ahead of you. If the canary dies you know that you should get out of the mine because the air isn't safe. In my context, it means that I can be secure in my job as long as a certain someone keeps his job.

The canary has died. Now the only question that remains to be answered is if the miners can get out of the cave before succumbing. Let the scratching and biting begin....

Safety First

Lucas was the first. No one else had accomplished such a feat. He felt like he deserved an award. What did he pioneer, you ask?

He was the first employee to have an accident at the new building. While pushing hardware into a frame, his hand slipped, and the metal corner of the frame tore the heel of his palm deep enough to require 4 stitches.

While he was at urgent care, Eric and Chris glanced at his cube. Given the new information of his being prone to attract accidents under normally safe conditions, there were far too many sharp corners in his cube to be considered safe. Something had to be done and they were the men for the job. After commandeered several roles of bubble wrap they went to work putting it on every corner they could find. While desperately peering into his cabinet, they decided it was just too dangerous in there, so they taped the door shut.

A week later Susie tripped in the parking lot and sprained her ankle. What have you brought upon us, Lucas?

Noise from the Cube Farm

That Willie. He sent an email to the whole company:

"I would like to ask every one's cooperation in reducing the noise level in the cubicle area. It is distracting and disruptive to work flow. We need to reduce the number of lengthy and noisy discussions, both technical and personal, that are taking place in people's cubicles. I would ask that you try the cafeteria, breakout areas, or the picnic tables instead. We all need to work harder at this goal, myself included. Thank you for your understanding!Willie"

Obviously, I knew he was directing most of his angst in the direction of my group. So I responded, "Were you writing this just to me? Sheesh...you didn't need to cc the WHOLE COMPANY on a private email."

He wrote back, "This way nobody can tell that we think 75% of the noise is from your area."

Ha! Not likely. Everyone knows we are noisy. So I forward Willie's response to Kurt, who takes the offensive and responds to Willie, "Only 75%! I'm hurt. I would place us/me closer to 96%."

Willie, unwilling to give up any ground, responds, "In the That could be, but since I haven't heard your annoying phone ring tone for a while, I downgraded the score accordingly."

Get Thee to an Infirmary

Apparently I've been sniffling and coughing too much. Lucas printed a warning sign just for little ole' me and taped it over the top of my cube, so I have to duck under it to get to my computer. It is SOLID COLOR. I won't tell the admin, who might kick his hiney if she saw that page filled with colored ink.

It has made me incredibly self conscious. I try to clear my throat as quietly as I can to stay under the radar. No deal. Steve yells, "GET THEE TO AN INFIRMARY" every single time.

I told Chris, who originally had the cold, that he was on my bad list. Technically, he gave it to Lori and she gave it to me, so Chris says he will not take the blame. Drat. He is a quality control guy so there isn't a lot I can do to appeal his 'not to blame' status.

You picked a BAD DAY to quit smoking

Lucas lives a clean life. He doesn't drink coffee, alcohol, or any soda with sugar or caffeine. But he does smoke. At least he used to. He started quitting several weeks ago. The past week and a half has almost driven him back to his bad habit.

This is Lucas at the end of our mind-numbing marathon of testing. The following are things that have become normal in our sleep-deprived state:

1) Lucas taps his foot up and down with so much intensity that I want to walk over and whack him. I have to physically restrain myself so that I won't:

a) tell him that he is incredibly annoying and I never, ever want to see him again

b) find something really heavy to throw at him

c) pay "Big Bubba" to hold his knee down so it can't oscillate 300 times per second

2) We both joke at least 6 times each day that it would be better to quit our jobs than to endure one more second of testing.

3) The bags under our eyes have caused people to start glancing down when they pass us in the hall or walk past up in the lab.

Seven times we have been threatened with having to redo all of our testing because we found a failure that might force us to get a new build and start from scratch. Four of those times we actually did have to start over. Each test takes 14 hours and has to be repeated 3 times to prove it can consistently pass, so we don't take kindly to threats of that nature.

Thankfully, today we finally finished the entire set of tests. We haven't killed each other. Lucas hasn't reverted to his smokin' ways. To us, the week has been a success. But he wishes he hadn't chosen last week to stop smoking.

A Question From Carrie

The call came Saturday evening. Kevin and I were in the fruit isle of the grocery store.

"Hi Megan, this is Carrie." Immediately I started racking my brain…hmmmm…who is Carrie? Instead of the obvious reply, "Carrie who?" my big mouth blurted (all on its own), "Hi! How's it going?"

To which she replied, "Good! I am just wondering how it went."

Now I am stuck. How did it go? What does that MEAN? Who is Carrie and what was I supposed to be doing for her? Did I forget about some commitment? It wouldn't be unusual for me to double book a day and then forget about one of the appointments, but for the life of me I can not think of who she could possibly be. Have I even SPOKEN to a Carrie in the immediate past?

After a stiflingly long pause there is no choice but to ask, "I am sorry….who are you?" And she says, "This is Terri W." OH! It's my the woman in charge of the project I have been slaving over for the past 3 weeks. She is calling to check on my status since I have worked late on Friday and all day on Saturday. Thankfully it went great. The only real problem is that I feel like a dufus for not recognizing her voice on the phone, and then trying to play along instead of asking who she was right away.

Note to self: program the number of all work associates into my cell phone.

Second note to self: never, NEVER, agree to work overtime every day for 11 days in a row. Especially if it is during the move of a wonderful family, and I feel obligated to help them move. It really blocks clear thinking to not have time to relax.

28,436

Todd came to work an angry man. He was growling at his wife about how they should take away their daughter's phone. Finally, he came over to discuss the problem. He had me guess how many text messages his daughter had sent last month.

I guessed a number so big I thought he would feel foolish: 1,500.

A half-grin crept over his face while he let the number sink in. Then he let it loose: 28,436.

WHAT!! How is that possible? Is he sure he had the right number of decimal places? Yep. He showed us the bill online. Wowzer.

That is one text every 92 seconds, 24 hours a day, all month long.

Obviously, she sleeps. We gave her an average of 8 hours a day, which pushes the texting to once every 59 seconds while she is awake.

THAT is commitment to something you love.

Things to Never, Never Do

Steve came in complaining about flu-like symptoms. Yuck. Todd asked him if he had the Swine Flue. He said 'maybe' and I informed him to stay far, far away from me.

A few minutes later I got an instant message from Steve explaining that he isn't sick, but he likes to talk loudly about being ill to tease Marion.

Marion is the woman who sits on the other side of Steve. She is going through chemotherapy and is working the entire time because of money and insurance concerns. She will take Friday afternoon off, get her chemo for the week, then be back in on Monday morning.

It is amazing that she is there at all, and then Steve comes in every day, claiming a new strain of virus has besieged him.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Just the Right Medicine

There are a lot of characters at work. It is interesting to get a glimpse into the workings of a variety of families. One such insight came last week. Kurt's son, Andrew, got a cavity filled, and was forced pay $10 to cover part of the bill. We asked if Andrew brushed his teeth. He does, but Jill, Kurt's wife, didn't think he was thorough enough with his brushing habits.

Everyone stared in horror as Kurt told the story of fining Andrew, sweet Andrew, for the filling.

I retaliated with an email titled, "Only the WORST Kind of Person."

Megan: "Only the worst kind of person would require a kid to pay for his own medical care…"

Kurt responds: "What are you saying about Jill???

He carbon copied Jill on the email. Uggghh...how will she respond? Kurts laughs and laughs while I turn red. Then he tells me that the address he sent it to wasn't Jills address. Later, he did talk to her about it, and she responded by saying, "I don't think it's that bad."

I Think He Might Be Drunk

Lucas was upset one day last week. He told me that he thought Steve might be drunk. I asked why he thought that, and he said that he could smell it on him. I asked him if it bothered him, and he said, "sorta." Then came the real question. How long have you been working here?? A MONTH AND A HALF?? Is this the first time you have noticed it? Yep.

Sheesh Lucas....you aren't very observant, are you?

One thing I can say about this job is that I have learned what alcohol smells like when it is seeping through someone's pores. It is not a pleasant aroma.

It Was So Heavy That Holly Had to Move It

We have a lot of heavy equipment in our lab. We also have a new employee who has aspirations of lifting weights internationally in a couple of years. Holly is a petite 24 year old who rides a motorcycle. As you can imagine, the guys are crawling all over her. I actually feel sorry for her because she can't go anywhere without a creepy, crawly engineer stopping to talk to her. Uugghh.

She has a boyfriend so she lightheartedly talks to everyone and then runs away as soon as she can do it politely.

Today I overheard Kurt telling Eric, "The equipment is so heavy that Holly had to move it."

Hmmm....does something about that sentence sound wrong to you?

Fees in your 401K - There Ain't No Way to Tell

Lately I've been trying to figure out how much I pay in fees on my 401K.

Here's an excerpt from my fund fact sheet:
"It is estimated that the Fund’s expenses will be roughly 0.55%
per year, over an extended period. The Fund’s expenses may
increase or decrease in any given year and may be adjusted
to reflect the SSIP’s administrative expenses."

Basically, it says the fees are adjustable and you can't be sure about how much they were last year. I was sure there was a way to find an exact figure on how much I paid in fees last year, so I called the company that manages the 401K. The guy I spoke with was very helpful, but had no information. There are 8 different funds in my 401K, which means 8 different managers.

On the fact sheets for each fund, 3 funds had telephone numbers listed, 3 mailing addresses listed, and the remaining 2 funds listed absolutely no contact information.

I give up! It is literally impossible to figure out how much my 401K charges.

The Health Fair Puts Out an Eye

The Health Fair came to town today. After we went around to the different booths we got to put our names in to the door prize drawing. Yep. You guessed it. I made out like a bandit.

The Good Prizes
Edible Bouquet (a fancy fruit basket) - Amy won it
Pilates ball - Brian won it

The prizes won by people on my team
Insulated cup - Kurt won it
Beach Bag and Kit - Lucas won it
Pedometer - I won it

Immediately after picking up our prizes, Kurt used his cup as a megaphone. Steve responded by announcing that he could hear Kurt on the other side of the cafeteria, and Kurt should absolutely, for no reason whatsoever, ever again amplify his voice more than it is normally. Lucas started running up and down the cube halls with his new kite.

Meanwhile, I took my pedometer and ran to Brian's cube. He agreed to switch me my pedometer for his pilates ball. And that, my friends, is how I came to be the winner of the door prize drawing even when I wasn't the winner. To take it one step further, I stopped by Amy's desk and ate some of her fruit. Sheesh...some people have no boundaries.

While I was airing up the ball I noticed a resistance band tucked into the bag. After a few cursory moves, Lucas looks over to see my new toy, his eyes glittering with the possibilities of the band (AKA sling shot) and he wrestled it out of my hands.

Mike instantly joins him and they sling a mini Army man across the room. Then they duck so they won't get caught in their infantile game. I am positive the giggling didn't give it away.



Here Holly, Steve and Todd sling a mini Army guy across the room....don't they look devilish?

*DISCLOSURE* While there was a very real possibility that someone could have been hurt by our Kamikaze Army dude, no one was actually injured, and all eyes are still fully intact. One soldier is MIA, but we have high hopes that he will be found and returned to service shortly.

Gettin' Obamed

Kurt is a raving liberal. Steve and Todd are both tried and true Republicans. Steve likes to point out every time that the market is going down. He will sigh and mumble, "We're really getting Obamed today."

On days with big market drops, I usually take a screenshot of finance.yahoo.com, and send it out with a note that we are getting Obamed. Today I took a screenshot and sent it out, only this time the market was up. Kurt thought it was hilarious. I just love having a new verb to use, and I use it like it is going out of style.

Ultimately, we have been so beaten down by the stock market fluctuations that none of us have any emotional reaction no matter what the stock market does.

Idiot

Steve is a prankster. So when somebody gets the chance, Steve usually gets a prank played on him.

Kurt was giggly and told me to check my email. I found a message from Steve with the subject line "Idiot."

Inside it said:

I am an IDIOT.
Sorry
Steve

He got a smattering of responses:

Ed: What did you do? Let us all in on it. (Ed thought Steve really had called himself an idiot.)

Megan: We know but we won't hold it against you.

Lucas: I may hold it against you, as soon as I figure out what it is

Mike: It's not official until you fill out an ID10T form and send it to Stephanie. Please do it ASAP.

Todd waited until Steve left his computer, then sent out another message:

I'm sorry that I'm such an IDIOT!!!!
Kindest Blessings,

Steve

Steve isn't the kind of guy who would wish a blessing on anyone, so that makes it especially funny to get an email from him signed like that.

Steve never did fill out his ID10T form.

No Waiting Required

I slept in. Then I fiddled around in the kitchen. Then I checked my email. By the time I was usually finished at the gym and in the office I was just getting around to hopping in the shower. Ugggh. What a morning.

I arrived at work just in time to overhear Steve telling Kurt about his aches and pains. He was not looking forward to getting old. I happily chirped up and said that the good thing was that he didn't have to wait. Steve corrected me with intense seriousness. Everyone had to wait to get old. Getting old was better than the alternative.

But I reminded him that he didn't have to wait - he was already as old as the hills. He stopped complaining about his aching back, said, "Gee, thanks," and sat down. Today might be a lot more fun than I had thought.

Steve is 43. Tehehe. He drinks like a fish, so he is aging a bit faster than most, but he is certainly not old.

I Can't Quite Recall

Microsoft Outlook has a handy feature that lets you recall an email you have just sent. The only problem is that it doesn't work. Once the email is received into an email inbox it will not be pulled out of it. But that doesn't stop people from trying. There is then a second message sent to everyone stating that the recall failed.

The most memorable recall happened right after a company wide meeting. When I looked in my email inbox, I noticed that a failed recall message was there, and of course I immediately opened the email to see what egregious sin someone had committed that would warrant trying to recall the message.

This particular time it happened to be Toni. She was the president of engineering and this was the first time she had tried to recall a message. Needless to say, my interest was peaked.

The email she had sent was a feedback form for the company wide meeting where the 2 guys in charge of the entire office had spoken and had had technical difficulties which prevented the carefully prepared PowerPoint slides from being presented. Toni's review was negative. The most memorable statement was "He was actually coherent. Never give him PowerPoint again." One of the guys just happened to be who she reported directly to.

What is the lesson to be learned from this?

1. NEVER hit "Reply All"
2. If you accidentally break rule #1, don't try to recall your message or it will only draw more attention to it.

The Problem

There are many, many discussions in my group about what precisely is the problem. I work on integrating the operating system and the hardware, so my group has to buffer the issues that arise before we can ship our stuff to the customer.

The operating system developers are sure that the errors are all because of the deficiencies of the hardware design. The hardware engineers write off every problem as either an operating system bug or a test software deficiency and thus ship the product to the customer. It doesn't help that the software and hardware teams are two different companies who had bid on the contract together to win the work, and now have to execute to a joint standard.

Chris is the guy on our team who has to write an explanation for every time a failure occurred, and why it is still OK to send the product to the customer, or alternately decide if we need to rework the unit before shipping it. He harasses us to no end in his attempt to figure out what happened during testing.

A few days ago Chris came to talk to Kurt about one such problem. One out of every 4 sentences started with, "The problem is....." and ended with, "the hardware folks can't make hardware," "there isn't enough time to integrate," "the software folks aren't developing on real hardware" and a million other problems that had reared their ugly heads.

Finally, Kurt had had enough. He raised his voiced a few decibels and stated through clenched teeth "THE PROBLEM IS..." and we waited.

And waited.

I looked up from my computer to see the exchange that was about to happen. Would Kurt say it was the hardware? The software? The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife.

Finally, Kurt lowered his voice, shrugged his shoulders, and stated flatly, "yours. Go deal with it."

It was classic! The mantra of the day then became, "The problem is yours."

Masking Problems

Chris found what he thought was a serious software bug. He tells me about it, and it is something I have never seen, so I asked him to give me a log file that shows the bug. It takes him a month to get me a file. Every day for that entire month he has stopped by to tell me that my software needs improvement.

When he finally gives me a log file, I analyze it only to discover that the serial cable is bad and the connection is degrading. Now that the problem is starting to manifest, it is getting more and more frequent. Chris thinks the software should be able to work around the cable not having a solid connection. He harasses me until I give in and write 5 lines to try several times if it doesn't work the first time.

Steve asked me what I was working on, and I told him, loud enough for Chris to hear, that I was writing a software workaround to mask a hardware problem that Chris doesn't want to fix. Chris walks over, flips me the bird and then goes back to his desk.

Who Do Ya Love?

"Have you seen Luke Today?" Samantha asked when she passed me in the hall. "Yeah - he came and talked to Susie while I was on a conference call this morning."

She followed it up with, "Did you see his name tag?"

Nope. So we walked over to his desk, where Luke informed Samantha that she ruined it because now I wouldn't notice it on my own.

Yesterday Luke was passing Samantha's desk while she was making new tags to go on all the cubes. Mine was going to get thrown away [which is quite disturbing to me - why is mine trash? Am I getting fired?] and Luke said he wanted it. So Samantha gave it to him.

Really, the new tags were made because everyone is getting rearranged. As new people have been hired there isn't any more room for them to sit next to their groups, so the whole building is getting switched around. At the last minute, my group was left alone. Maybe they couldn't find anyone willing to sit in Steve's old cube. So I don't need a new cube tag - and I am not staying up late worried about getting fired [although maybe I should].