A Dog After My Own Heart

As a kid, Christmas was the holiday that drove me the most crazy. I waited and waited, and it just never seemed to arrive. Santa may have brought presents, but he sure milked it first. The worst part was that there were some presents sitting under the tree waiting to surprise me with something wonderful. Mom liked to get her shopping done early, so it was a long wait and I don't like surprises.

There were several occasions when Christmas just didn't come soon enough. I had waited as long as I possibly could, and then took it upon myself to take matters into my own hands. I took one present and held, shook, and rattled it, then held it up to the light. Nothing gave away it's contents, so I tried to unwrap it as neatly as possible. When my dirty deed was done I would try to wrap it back up so it would look exactly like it had before I touched it. It never worked. A crumpled present with torn paper and a half roll of tape holding it together was tucked back under the tree where hopefully nobody would notice before Christmas morning. It not that I'm naughty - I just don't like surprises. Well...I should say it's not JUST that I'm naughty.

Age brings all things wonderful, and this story is no exception. There is absolutely nothing I want, and I therefore I don't wonder or even care what is under the tree. But Harper - he's a naughty little doggie. I looked under the tree today and saw a present that was half opened. This time it wasn't me - but it did resemble the shoddy re-wrapping jobs of my youth.

Little Harper couldn't wait until Christmas. No wonder he found his way into our family.

The Secrets of Houseplants

The first plant in the photo has never flowered, but was started from a deep magenta plant, and the second and third plants have blossomed with bluish-purple flowers several times. This time, however, the third plant was the only one that continued as it had previously. The second plant is now producing a pinkish-purple blossom with a white frilly edge. How did it switch? Have the African violets in my office been fornicating when I am not watching?

No Use Cryin' Over Spilled Perfume

I have about 7 bottles of various perfumes under the bathroom sink. As they rotate through use, Kevin always comments on how yummy I smell when I wear 5th Avenue Nights. No other fragrance gets any comment whatsoever.

It came into our home after a fateful night at class. Kevin was sitting, waiting for class to start, when a girl sat down next to him. The moment she walked in he was surrounded by a wonderful fragrance. When he asked, she said it was 5th Avenue Nights, and she got it at Macy's.

For the next two weeks, he commented on how good it smelled. Really? How it that possible? I thought it was a passing phase, but as the weeks went by and he was still commenting, I finally decided to stop by the perfume counter and try it out. I wasn't all that impressed: it smelled nice, but very light and very much like baby powder. And it cost $50. Hah! I wasn't going to spend so much for a bottle of perfume.

Then he STILL kept commenting. Finally, another two weeks went by and I broke down and found a bottle on Amazon.com for $35.

Just this morning I spritzed it on my wrist, then looked at the bottle and thought about how long it has lasted. I had been using it consistently for a year and it still had 95% left. Then, I put it away right before I got out my hair dryer. As I pulled the dryer out of the cabinet under the sink, about 4 things were knocked out, including the bottle of perfume. I left everything on the floor until I was finished blow drying my hair, and as I was putting away the perfume I realized that the bottle must have hit on a corner, cracked, and the only thing holding the broken pieces together was the label on the front of the bottle. Dang. The WHOLE UPSTAIRS smells like powder. All the perfume is soaked into the rug and refuses to leave even after it has been rinsed for 30 minutes.

Amazon? It still has a bottle available, and I just finished ordering a replacement.

The McGillicuddy Mystery Has Been Solved!

Grandad Neves drove us around the hills when we were kids. He would always stop and check up on Mrs. McGillicuddy. Strangely, we would go in to say 'hi' and find all the cupboards bare, and Mrs. McGillicuddy was no where in sight. She must have gone to the grocery store.

Last weekend we went to a party and I saw this:

Ah-hah! Now I know where Mrs. McGillicuddy went! Dr. McGillicuddy, her husband, was busy drinking away the grocery money at the bar and she was trying to retrieve him.

Good luck, Mrs. McGillicuddy, good luck.

When the Black Beans Attack

Saturday was a great day to cook some black beans. They had been soaking all night, so when I got up I put them into the pot, took Harper outside, and sat down to check my email.

Two hours later I came upstairs to find a boiled over mess.

It is hard to see, but there were purple streaks staining the counter, streaks of yellow and blue all over the stove (how did those colors separate??) and black liquid running down the oven and pooled on the floor.

The Stunning Sunset.

I was held captive as the breath taking colors of the sunset glittered and glimmered, vibrant and alive, then slowly faded to smokey and alluring and finally disappeared into the calm night. As the scene unfolded, I was washed over with the realization that I am OK. My life today is better than it was a year ago. I am more peaceful. I finally have a sense of my self-worth.

What does this sunset represent? The closing of a chapter in my life? The chance to see the betrayal that gave me a back-handed slap fade into the glorious moment where I am now wholly submerged? Does the past dishonesty affect my ability to enjoy this exact moment? Absolutely not. In fact, I feel more awe as a witness to this amazing scene than I have in my entire life.This sunset is not unique. Color splashes the horizon twice every day.

This sunset is unique. This is the very first sunset that has ever spoken to my soul. This is the first time I have realized that even though life is nothing like I hoped it would be, it is a thousand times better than I could have dreamt.

(Photo by Kevin in Wyoming)

The Littlest Moose

Katie is showing us just how little the moose is. It fits right in between her two fingers.

Here is a close up of the moose.

Later, when we were on a hike to the waterfall, Kevin turned a corner and was right next to a baby moose. He looked to the other side, and saw that he was right in between that baby and it's mom. Not good. He backed away, told us to stop walking, and Mike threw a rock at her to see if she would get agitated and charge us. She didn't bowl us over, but we decided to tun around rather than risk getting close to them again.

Rules of the Road

It must have been brought on by my blatant breaking of a rule. Maybe I broke every rule in one single day. It resulted in me receiving an email outlining the proper usage of sandals. Oh, boy.

After a month of pondering the propriety of the rules, then working it into my schedule, I did get my first pedicure. It took an hour. A very awkward hour. I tried to make conversation with the woman giving my pedicure. Her hair was very pretty. How was she doing today? Where was she from? Finally (aka 5 minutes later), I gave up and stared into space for the remainder of the visit, trying not to visibly squirm.

Later I told Marla about my misadventure, and she informed me that it wasn't them; it was me. They aren't SUPPOSED to talk to you. They are supposed to let you relax and read your magazine while they paint your toes. It doesn't require human interaction. You live, you learn. You avoid those awkward pedicures in the future.

Here are the RULES (feel free to follow or break at will):

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.

And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get an even better one.

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...

The Best Fried Chicken - EVER

This chicken had better be good. Dang good. 'Cause I sure ain't gonna shell out $1000 for ordinary KFC fried chicken.

We saw this at the KFC on the way to the Como Zoo. We were hungry, but not THAT hungry.

Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

It happened at work on Friday. My chin itched. I scratched it. There was a little bit of dry skin where I scratched, so I slowly scratched again to remove the peeling skin. That skin didn't come off. Then I realized it was a hair. It was 2 inches long. It was incredibly thick and wirey. It was growing out of a mole. HOW DID IT GET SO LONG BEFORE I EVEN NOTICED IT??

When I say I am looking forward to aging, this is not what I mean. It is enthralling is the clarity in direction and purpose that I often see in older-middle-aged women. Is there some way to get that power without extra hairs growing in unauthorized places??

(This isn't actually a picture of my hairy mole. That hair was gone long before I thought about taking a picture of it.)

Luck Is My Middle Name

Have you ever lost a raffle? I win them. Somehow my name just always gets drawn. This wasn't always the case.

In third grade, I let Cassie cut in front of me in the cafeteria line, and she was the 100th student and won a prize. Much to my dismay, she didn't automatically hand over the prize to me, it's rightful owner. Drat. I thought it was my fate to always be in the background.

But around my junior year of college everything changed. All of a sudden my name was always drawn out of the hat and I was always at the 'right' spot in line. It got to be such a hassle.

At the Christmas party this year I had the most uncomfortable (but sexy) shoes, and I was really worried that I would have to wear them to the front of the room only to get a heavy door prize and have to wobble back to my seat with a TV or something just as hideous. Now I consider it lucky to NOT win more clutter to take home, but I usually manage to win and then have to pawn off the prize.

Here's a picture of my shoes. That tiny little heel is super cute but not so easy to walk on. It is kinda hard to see in the photo, but there are 2 lines - the heel and it's shadow. The heel is skinnier than a #2 pencil.

Here's an close shot of the shoes. I didn't walk for the rest of the weekend.

As luck would have it [and my luck never seems to run out] my ticket number wasn't called at the Christmas party. I did consider jumping up in shocked amazement and running up there to claim my prize when a different number was called with the hope that they wouldn't check my ticket stub, but everyone at my table kept me under pretty tight wraps.

Are you wondering why I feel especially lucky today? I just read Paula Begoun's newsletter, and she will be at the Barnes and Nobles in Edina. I LOVE PAULA! She helped me find Cetaphil (a gentle cleanser that has the added bonus of being cheap.)

Before her, I was using *gasp* bar soap on my face. I figured I was tough and could handle it. It was not pretty. In high school I accidentally wrote on my face with a red pen AND NO ONE COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY PIMPLES AND THE INK. Now I use Paula's 2% beta hydroxy acid along with Cetaphil and a fragrance free moisturizer, and my pimples are confined to a couple of times a month - mostly when I haven't changed my pillowcase for a while.

Paula wrote "Don't Go to the Cosmetics Counter Without Me" which is my all time favorite self help book. In it she reviewed many different products and she recommends specific formulations and knows all about effective ph balances. We gave it to Miranda this year so she can start learning about marketing gimmicks and avoid wasting money on worthless products.

It is extra lucky that she is coming to Edina because it is 20 minutes from my house and there is hardly any traffic. It seems like when authors come to town they always book the downtown Barnes and Nobles so I either have to fight with Minneapolis traffic or skip it. Generally I skip it. I am giddy with excitement.

Does anyone want to come meet Paula with me? She will be at the Barnes and Nobles in the Galleria at 7 PM on Monday, April 13th. A great family home evening would be learning more about gentle products and how to properly treat our sensitive skin. She will be speaking about Skincare Mythbusting.