Rules of the Road

It must have been brought on by my blatant breaking of a rule. Maybe I broke every rule in one single day. It resulted in me receiving an email outlining the proper usage of sandals. Oh, boy.

After a month of pondering the propriety of the rules, then working it into my schedule, I did get my first pedicure. It took an hour. A very awkward hour. I tried to make conversation with the woman giving my pedicure. Her hair was very pretty. How was she doing today? Where was she from? Finally (aka 5 minutes later), I gave up and stared into space for the remainder of the visit, trying not to visibly squirm.

Later I told Marla about my misadventure, and she informed me that it wasn't them; it was me. They aren't SUPPOSED to talk to you. They are supposed to let you relax and read your magazine while they paint your toes. It doesn't require human interaction. You live, you learn. You avoid those awkward pedicures in the future.

Here are the RULES (feel free to follow or break at will):

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.

And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get an even better one.

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...