28,436

Todd came to work an angry man. He was growling at his wife about how they should take away their daughter's phone. Finally, he came over to discuss the problem. He had me guess how many text messages his daughter had sent last month.

I guessed a number so big I thought he would feel foolish: 1,500.

A half-grin crept over his face while he let the number sink in. Then he let it loose: 28,436.

WHAT!! How is that possible? Is he sure he had the right number of decimal places? Yep. He showed us the bill online. Wowzer.

That is one text every 92 seconds, 24 hours a day, all month long.

Obviously, she sleeps. We gave her an average of 8 hours a day, which pushes the texting to once every 59 seconds while she is awake.

THAT is commitment to something you love.

Things to Never, Never Do

Steve came in complaining about flu-like symptoms. Yuck. Todd asked him if he had the Swine Flue. He said 'maybe' and I informed him to stay far, far away from me.

A few minutes later I got an instant message from Steve explaining that he isn't sick, but he likes to talk loudly about being ill to tease Marion.

Marion is the woman who sits on the other side of Steve. She is going through chemotherapy and is working the entire time because of money and insurance concerns. She will take Friday afternoon off, get her chemo for the week, then be back in on Monday morning.

It is amazing that she is there at all, and then Steve comes in every day, claiming a new strain of virus has besieged him.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Black Bean Nachos (or Salad)

With a bowl of this in my lap I am instantly taken back to childhood where I am sitting on the blue chair with a cup full of hot salsa, melted cheese swirled throughout. One delicious chip after another pass my lips as I ponder all the blessings in my life.

I am older, sadly, my food has gotten healthier, and the blessings seem to be multiplying every day. I am such a lucky girl.

Black beans are by far my favorite bean. oh, sure....all beans taste pretty much the same. Why are black beans the best? They just are. The hint of lime juice in this recipe makes all the difference in the world. For a brief time I thought I lost the recipe, but after months of searching through library books I found it and now I still have no clue where it came from. I will say it is manna from heaven.

This nacho recipe originally calls for a layer of chips, then beans/corn/salsa, then spinach, then cheese, and all of it is baked together. But I don't like the chips baked with topping because they get soggy. Life is just too dang short to eat soggy chips. So I heat the topping mixture together and dip the chips into the hot bean dip. And leave out the spinach. Nobody wants a bite of hay when they are expecting something yummy. Sometimes I leave out the cheese, too. It is good either way, but it may not classify as nachos if there is no cheese. Does anybody have a good recipe title for the cheese free version??

Black Bean Salsa

1/2 onion, chopped and sauteed until soft

1 T oil

1 C canned crushed tomatoes

1 1/2 C frozen corn

1 can black beans (or 1 1/2 C cooked black beans)

2 T lime juice

1 T chili powder

1 t oregano

8 oz. shredded cheese

1 box (10 oz) spinach, thawed and patted dry (optional)

2 C salsa

Saute the onion in the oil for around 8 minutes until soft. Add the tomatoes, salsa, corn, beans lime juice, chili powder, and oregano. Cook for 5 minutes until heated. Put black beans on bottom of a casserole dish, then the spinach, then the cheese. Back at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes until the cheese is melted. Serve with chips, or as the dressing for a salad.

Garlic Scape Pesto

Several weeks ago Marla brought me to the farmers market. She likes to do fun stuff like that, and even though I am a stick in the mud, sometimes she brings me along. And for that I am eternally grateful. Bless her heart - it takes a lot to get me to have fun.

While we were at the market we saw some weird curly thingies.

What are those? They were weird enough to draw us in and I left with a few stuffed into my basket. They are garlic scapes - the top part of the garlic plant. They smell like...well...garlic. Cut off the 'hat' at the top, and use the rest just like you would a clove of garlic.

It just so happened that Kevin and I had been watching "Into the Woods" and I couldn't get the witch's song about greens out of my head.

"Rooting through my rutabaga,
Raiding my arugula and
Ripping up my rampion
(My champion! My favorite!)"

So I also bought some arugula. Not from the witch. She terrifies me. In fact, I plan to spend the rest of my days OUTSIDE of the witch's garden.

The pesto recipe called for parsley, but arugula is a spicy green, and it was in the fridge, so that is what I used. The recipe is pretty good and I don't think I need to worry about vampires for awhile. You know how sometimes food with garlic sticks around for days, hiding in between teeth, daringly dodging every strand of floss...coming through your pores when you exercise, and basically settling in to a cloud of garlic scented musk that follows you everywhere you go? Yep - this pesto is like that.

Garlic Scape Pesto

1 dozen garlic scapes

1 C arugula or parsley

1 1/2 C walnuts or pine nuts

1 C Parmesan cheese

1/2 t sea salt

1/2 C olive oil

1 T lemon juice

Process scapes and arugula in food processor. Add walnuts and pulse until desired consistency, then add Parmesan, salt, olive oil, and lemon juice. Pulse a few more times. Serve over pasta or on a sandwich. Freeze leftovers in an ice cube tray for single servings.

Rules of the Road

It must have been brought on by my blatant breaking of a rule. Maybe I broke every rule in one single day. It resulted in me receiving an email outlining the proper usage of sandals. Oh, boy.

After a month of pondering the propriety of the rules, then working it into my schedule, I did get my first pedicure. It took an hour. A very awkward hour. I tried to make conversation with the woman giving my pedicure. Her hair was very pretty. How was she doing today? Where was she from? Finally (aka 5 minutes later), I gave up and stared into space for the remainder of the visit, trying not to visibly squirm.

Later I told Marla about my misadventure, and she informed me that it wasn't them; it was me. They aren't SUPPOSED to talk to you. They are supposed to let you relax and read your magazine while they paint your toes. It doesn't require human interaction. You live, you learn. You avoid those awkward pedicures in the future.

Here are the RULES (feel free to follow or break at will):

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:

As a member of the Faux Paux Sisterhood, I pledge to follow The Rules when I wear sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs.

And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes look like they've been dragged behind her car on the way to work and no sandal in the world is going to make her feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops, that I will ensure they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local beauty school at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $15 and worth EVERY penny). I say spend another $15.00 and get an even better one.

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals...